Best Selling Scrolls: Jerusalem 600BC

In an exciting find, archaeologists in the Middle East have uncovered a list of the best selling scrolls from the Jewish city of Jerusalem in the year 600BC, just a decade or so before the Babylonian exile.

Experts say the list – entitled The Perfect Seven – promises to provide key insights into the practices and thinking of God’s people in the lead up to their most catastrophic of events: the sacking of Jerusalem, destruction of the temple, and the exile of the people into pagan captivity for almost 70 years.

Church historian, Prof Barth Sampson said if verified, the list could have major implications for how the 21st century Western church addresses the problems within its own camp.

“Given that this list is just 13 years before the events of the exile began, it provides us with valuable information as to the mindset and lifestyle practices of a people that were just over a decade away from a tragic downfall of their own making,” said Prof Sampson.

“It’s both fascinating and a little disturbing to see how naive God’s people were as to the dangers they faced.”

THE “PERFECT SEVEN” LIST

1. Forty Days Done Dirt Cheap: A traveller’s guide to a quick Sinai tour in which you can experience all of the joy, despair and anguish of the 40 wilderness years.  Full colour photographs of the cleft in the rock from which Moses experienced God.

2. The Total Shekel Makeover: Got three camels parked in the barn costing you a fortune?  Two Asherah poles mouldering in the shed?  Chances are you need to downsize and outsource in order to be the new Jew you want to be.

3. Babylon and On: Learning a language isn’t just about the grammar.  It’s experiencing the culture, eating the food, and most importantly taking on the worship of the gods.  Who knows, you could be set for a jet-set career with our northern neighbours one of these days.

4. The Daniel Plan: A Good Food guide. Not sure why this one made the list. There’s only one Daniel we know, and he’s about five years old. Don’t think he’ll amount to much.

5. You Can. You Will. Go Into Exile: As if. Beats me who reads this stuff by Jeremiah the prophet.  Must be some sort of cult following.  

6. Jeremiah Was A Bull@#$%er: A graphic rhyming novel by everybody’s favourite king, Jeconiah, in response to the prophet’s ridiculous pronouncements.  With a pop-up section depicting Jeremiah being lowered into the well. Contains accompanying sheet music with a folksy lilt.

7. The Mystery of the Shemitah: This is a rerun of the 400 year old prophecy that can, apparently, predict a stock market crash.  Why a prophesy is concerned with what terrible events happen to your cows, sheep and donkeys is beyond us. Who buys this stuff?